Funerals are just as much for those left behind as they are a way to honor the person who has passed away. They’re an opportunity for those grieving to share their memories, pay their respects, and reflect on a beautiful life well lived.
If you’re planning to attend a service, you might be thinking about what to wear and what to say to the family. These are general elements of funeral etiquette that shouldn’t be overlooked, especially if you’ve never attended a service before. Here’s what you should know.
What to Say to the Bereaved
Avoid saying too much in your efforts to say the “right thing.” Bear in mind there simply are no “right” words. The best and most honest thing you can do is speak from your heart. Express your sorrow for their loss, and let them know that you’re thinking about them. If you were especially close to the deceased, let the family know how much you miss the person and valued them in your life. Simple is often best in these cases. Avoid common platitudes that may not go over well: “They’re in a better place” and “Everything happens for a reason” are not words that people who are grieving typically want to hear.
What to Wear to the Service
Black is generally the most suitable and appropriate color to wear to a funeral service. Steer clear of shades that are too bright or that very obviously don’t belong there, like pink and red. Shades like navy and gray are also suitable. In general, dress conservatively, as you might for any formal event. If the funeral is more of a celebration of life, the family may request that people dress more casually. Avoid anything too laid-back, though, like open-toe shoes and athletic apparel. Looking for more information about funeral attire? Take a look at our article, How to Dress for a Funeral.
What to Bring to a Funeral
What do you need to bring with you? Should you bring anything at all? It’s not always necessary to do so, especially if you’re only going to the funeral home. The family shouldn’t have to think about transporting items back to the home. But if you’re going to a wake, you might consider bringing along a sympathy card or something small, like a meal that the family can enjoy at a later point. It’s also thoughtful to send flowers to the home instead of to the funeral home.
What to Do About Young Kids
Very young children don’t have a very solid grasp of the concept of death. Being around people who are crying and grieving may be alarming to little ones. They might also make noise during the service, which can disturb others and cause disruptions. If possible, leave the youngest ones at home with a loved one or a sitter. Older kids, however, might want to attend the service with you. If they’ve never been before, make it a point to explain what they can expect so that they aren’t alarmed.
What to Do With Your Phone
Under no circumstances should anyone use their mobile devices during a funeral service. If you need to leave your phone on because you’re expecting an important call, keep it on vibrate so that the ring doesn’t disturb others. If you know you’ll need to leave briefly to take a call, it’s best to sit in the back closest to an exit, and away from others so you don’t disturb them. If you have children with you, avoid giving them phones or tablets to use during the actual service.
What to Do After the Funeral
Life returns to “normal” after the funeral — but that’s not the case for the grieving, who may feel even more alone when friends and family go home and things settle into a sense of “new normal” for them. That’s the perfect time for you, as someone who cares, to reach out and show that you’re still there and thinking about them. Offer to come over. Don’t ask what you can bring or do — simply take note of what they may need and do it. That could mean bringing some food or cleaning up the kitchen or picking up a few household items for the family. Filling those gaps that often fall by the wayside in the aftermath of a death can be enormously helpful to those who are suffering.
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