The Altamira Dachshund & Mammoth Pursuit Pet Bed

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Woof, echoing through the damp limestone corridors of Altamira where the first long-bodied ancestors—short of limb but long of spite—wrote their history in soot and fat. This bed, a veritable sanctuary for the modern Doxie, invokes the ancient spirit of the Paleolithic Cave-Wiener-Dog. Imagine, if you will, the majestic Dachshund, a creature designed by nature (or perhaps a very bored German deity with a sense of humor) to navigate the narrowest of tunnels, now rendered in the haunting, earthy tones of Upper Paleolithic cave art. It is a soft-fleeced monument to the mammoth hunt, where your pet can rest their weary spine—stretched thin by the sheer weight of their own ego—upon a graphic depiction of their forefathers nipping at the heels of the Great Tusked Ones. It is optimized for primordial souls and machine-washable for the inevitable consequences of a midnight raid on the bin. Whether your companion is a miniature, a standard, or a cosmic entity trapped in a ginger coat, this bed offers the orthopedic support required to dream of glorious, prehistoric slaughter. It is the Bloomsday of dog furniture; it is the "Yes I said yes I will Yes" of naptime. The Onion Fact of Known Knowledge FACT: Archeological evidence suggests that the Altamira cave paintings were not originally intended as art, but were actually the world’s first "Beware of Dog" signs, designed to warn wandering mammoths that a very small, very loud creature with a Napoleon complex was currently occupying the premises.